11/11/04:
-I was joking on November 3rd when on this site's front page, under the 'bad news' heading (not archived), I asked, "does this mean we'll be subjected to a sequel to Fahrenheit 9/11?"  Well, I guess that is exactly what it means because Michael Moore and Harvey Weinstein have planned a sort of sequel titled Fahrenheit 9/11½ as commentary on the 2004 election.
-Was Gene Saks just wasting his time?  His Jason Alexander starred 1995 TV remake of Bye Bye Birdie ignored, Columbia Pictures is redoing the 1960 musical for the big screen.  Janet Leigh is getting an early start on rolling over in her grave. 

11/10/04:
-While David Hasselhoff continues a cameo rampage through 2004's releases (OK three films doesn't make a rampage), another of his television series is making its way to the big screen.  Baywatch shall hit the multiplex in summer 2006.  Knight Rider is still planned for 2005.  There is a good chance he'll at least make cameos in both. 
-Not to outdo its potential for confusion, MGM has planned a sequel to a remake that is a remake of a totally separate film that was based on novel with a different title.  Pierce Brosnan will reprise his role as Thomas Crown in a sequel to 1999's redo of The Thomas Crown Affair.  The remake, though, is based somewhat loosely on the film Topkapi which was based on a novel called "The Light of the Day".  So, what the hell is it going to be called?

10/25/04:
- Can't John Woo make up his damn mind about what horrible film he wants to make?   After he finishes the video game adaptation Spy Hunter will he be making the cartoon/toy adaptation He-Man or will he remake the perfectly fine Melville heist flick Le Cercle Rouge?  He's got plenty of time to pick even more bad ideas in the meantime.

10/17/04:
-Surely to attract a younger, hipper crowd, Chris Rock has been hired to host the next Academy Awards broadcast.  It isn't enough anymore that Oscars are given out to undeserving actors who got lucky with one role and to films that lobby enough for self importance over those which are actually important.  I think that soon enough, if I stop being invited to parties on Oscar night, I will have no interest in watching.

-Poor Dean Jones, you may be forgotten just like Dolph Lundgren!  If they're going to ruin my few treasured Disney movies, they should at least stick to plot.  Tim Allen is starring in a remake of The Shaggy Dog but he, not his son, will be the one transformed into a dog.  The project sounds more like The Shaggy D.A. which featured Jones as a grown up Wilby Daniels (originated by teen actor Tommy Kirk).   The thing I really don't understand about Disney, though, is that they already remade most of these classic comedies (Freaky Friday, The Love Bug and The Shaggy Dog) for television in the '90s. 

-They're making a movie out of the television series "Dallas". Is it even possible to fit such soap drama into one 2-hour feature?

10/6/04:
-Poor Dolph Lundgren!  First The Punisher and now Masters of the Universe.  John Woo is set to direct a new adaptation of He-Man.  I haven't seen the current cartoon series so I'm unaware of whether or not Orko is still a character, but the new movie should feature him regardless just to make up for his absence in the 1987 film.  As for Courtney Cox, I'm quite apathetic.

-Is it just me or are things getting too ridiculous in adapt-remake turnaround?  New movies are being made from musicals that are based on movies.   First there's The Producers and now Hairspray.  Will we see a new Footloose as well?   And will Broadway bring these new movies onto the stage and so forth? 

-Sure Melissa Joan Hart was a cutie on "Clarissa Explains It All" but that "Sabrina" show (which is being turned to a movie - see 9/14 below) turned her and Soleil Moon Frye into annoying, unattractive, never should have gotten older, has-beens.  Right?  I guess not since Hart will be attempting to play the hot Japanese schoolgirl heroine of the manga adaptation Samurai Girl. 

-Why do Hollywood producers get paid so much money when their job is obviously so easy?   Vertigo Entertainment's Roy Lee, Doug Davison and Sonny Mallhi, for example, must have the easiest job going to see Asian horror films and paying for remake rights.  After redoing The Ring, The Ring 2, and The  Grudge, they are now planning The Ghost based on the Korean film directed by Tae-Kyeong Kim.  
      Other producers are working on new movies based on Miami Vice and the 1980 movie Prom Night.  

9/14/04:
-Supposedly this summer's Garfield was a big hit with the kids and now, similar to the news that a Yogi Bear movie was in the works, Fox 2000 is producing a live action Alvin and the Chipmunks.   The three 'boys' will be computer generated while a Dave Seville will be an A-list star.   I would guess Adam Sandler though David Schwimmer might also fit well. 

-The Dukes of Hazzard movie has been cast!  With Johnny Knoxville and Seann William Scott as the Duke Boys and Jessica Simpson portraying the short-shorted Daisy, the award for least intelligent ensemble is all but won.  The script was co-written by John O'Brien, the screenwriter responsible for contriving Starsky & Hutch more than necessary.  Jay Chandrasekhar of the Broken Lizard movies will direct
.
-I guess a sign of age is when you see movies from your lifetime being remade.  As if the geek-chic emo kids were begging, Fox Searchlight has planned a redo of Revenge of the Nerds.

-Because the Benji revival went so well, plans are now in effect to revisit the canine character of Rin Tin Tin.

-Paul W.S. Anderson is writing Resident Evil: Afterlife to complete his planned trilogy.  After seeing the horrible second film, Afterlife isn't quite the most appropriate title. 

-The Craft is too goth.  Teen Witch is too obscure.  Don't fret, young wiccan girls!  Our favorite studio, Paramount, is adapting the Archie Comic Sabrina the Teenage Witch for the big screen.  Well, hopefully they can cast someone more appealing than Melissa Joan Hart. 

-I thought that Sharon Stone died at the end of Basic Instinct but I don't remember nor do I care.  I do know that she is going into production on the sequel, which I believe to be titled Basic Instinct 2: The Nip Slip, helmed by Michael Caton-Jones.  

-Jim Sheridan is set to direct a remake of Ikiru for Dreamworks. Ikiru was one of those rare Kurosawa movies not about samurai.  I think it was set in Ireland against the backdrop of the IRA.  Correct me if I'm wrong. 

8/30/04:
-Kevin Smith announced last week that he would not be directing his script for The Green Hornet because he's supposedly lost faith in his abilities after Jersey Girl bombed last summer.  A few days later he claimed to be working on a sequel to Clerks.  The man is learning well from Hollywood that if you ever fail you can just start again from what worked for you before.  The practice is a lesson to any of you who think taking chances is a good idea.
-In the land of remake-adaptation hybrids, Steven Spielberg and Tom Cruise will take on War of the Worlds while somebody took one look at Dakota Fanning and decided a new Alice's Adventures in Wonderland was in order. 

-Warner Brothers takes some originality cues from Paramount with the decision to develop movies based on Aquaman and Yogi Bear.  I hope they go with the bearded, hook handed Aquaman from the 90s revision of the DC Comic.  The underwater super-hero needs a little something extra if he's going to compete with Universal's Namor movie.  As for Yogi, I'm sure the success of Scooby Doo will have a bad influence. 

-Paramount makes their appearance in this edition of Bad News with a prequel to their 1987 film The Untouchables that focuses more on Al Capone.  While I can't understand why a film about Capone has to have such a connection to DePalma's overrated picture, I might be rest assured if Kevin Costner is left out. 

-A remake of Vanishing Point at 20th Century Fox might be good for one thing:  the original helped usher in movies like Smokey and the Bandit and Cannonball Run.  We need more goofy road comedies to reinstate the good names of truckers because the mesh hat trend is more mockery than tribute.   

-Other bad news that speaks for itself:  The Wayans brothers are working on a big screen movie of The Munsters; Ellen Degeneres will play God in a remake of Oh, God!; Tony Scott will marr the campy goodness when he remakes The Warriors (for Paramount); and George Lucas says he might make Star Wars 7-9. 

8/10/04:
-At least the bad news is coming less frequently.  But bad ideas in Hollywood will always exist.  Take the following remakes for instance:  Forest Whitaker is updating The Girl Can't Help It for Fox 2000.  Who thinks its too obvious that in place of such acts as Little Richard and Fats Domino will be hip hop artists?  Maybe a female pop singer to fill the shoes of Julie London as well?       Stephen Sommers has run out of Universal monsters to defame and now plans a new adaptation of the comic Flash Gordon.  It will be nothing without a classic Queen soundtrack. 
     Sid Ganis is producing a redo of the Richard Pryor comedy The Toy (itself a remake of le Jouet).  Personally I think it should be a sequel and take place in the world of pornography in which Scott Schwartz is now the toy.  And speaking of translations from the French, the caveman comedy RRRrrrr!!! will soon come to a subtitle-less multiplex near you. 

-As for video game adaptations with female heroines, Kristanna Loken will play BloodRayne and fit with the current vampire vogue as well.  Hopefully screenwriter Guinevere Turner can put some of that American Psycho type of black comedy in.   

-Because the rip-off of the rip-off Inspector Gadget movie wasn't bad enough, nor was the updated television spin-off starring Andy Dick, Get Smart will be coming to the big screen with Agent Maxwell Smart.  It could only be good if Mel Brooks got back into form to write and direct. 

-Sequelitis:  There will be The Punisher 2.  There will not be Scooby-Doo 3 nor is there liklihood of Austin Powers 4. 

7/21/04:
-Michael Bay is producing a prequel to the recent Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  In the movie, Jessica Biel will spend a majority of the running time wearing a thin white shirt in a tank of freezing cold water and still show no sign of having nipples. 

-I say let James Dean have his three lonely movies left alone, but Ron Howard and Brian Grazer think otherwise.  The director and producer have planned a remake of East of Eden.

-The dreadful film Napoleon Dynamite, already too long at its mere 82 min., has a new 5 minute epilogue attached for its wide release.  I couldn't be any less curious. 

-WEEKLY CREATIVELY BANKRUPT PARAMOUNT NEWS:  a sequel for The Italian Job has been assigned. 

7/15/04:
-Paramount Pictures brings us the first really bad news of July with the announcement that Joel Cohen and Alec Sokolow (co-writers of Garfield) will be scripting a big screen version of The Partridge Family.  The studio has also declared plans to remake the 2000 Irish film Wild About Harry which starred Brendan Gleeson.

-As if it wasn't enough that my most elitist friends wouldn't let me play role-playing games with them, now I have to witness one of them, Vampire: The Requiem (to be honest it was the successor Vampire: The Masquerade that my friends played) adapted for the screen by New Line.

-Maybe its not the worst news ever, but the pressure that caused it is:  George Romero is making his own new zombie film, another sequel to Night of the Living Dead, called Land of the Dead.  A remake one of its sequels, Dawn of the Dead was a hit this year and a remake of The Crazies is now in production as well. 

-David Hasselhoff has confirmed that a Knight Rider movie is in early stages.  He states that a new car will be used, but screw updating.  KITT is a Trans-Am.  End of story. 

-The Fantastic Four is now fully cast with Jessica Alba playing Invisible Woman, Ioan Gruffudd as Mr. Fantastic, Michael Chiklis as The Thing, and Chris Evans playing The Human Torch. 

6/22/04:
- Wolfgang Petersen is continuing the trend of remakes that aren't remakes, aka "reimaginings"(Dawn of the Dead; The Graduate) with a version of Bullitt that keeps the character Frank Bullitt but loses the story based on Robert L. Pike's novel "Mute Witness".  Don't they realize that it wasn't so much the character as Steve McQueen playing the character that made the film cool?  That and the car chase, which Petersen will probably try to top (with explosions likely).

-Logan's Run might be one of the most cheezy sci-fi movies of all time.  People like it that way.  The same went for Rollerball and look what happened when John McTiernan attempted a remake.  Let us hope Bryan Singer knows what he's doing.  I'm sure it won't be as bad an idea as the television spinoff, even with that starring my college screenwriting teacher. 

-I just saw the trailer for September Tapes.  This film is attempting a Blair Witch Project type of docu-drama involving a journalist in Afghanistan.  The story nor the film are true yet they are dealing with such a topical idea; their deception of ignorant Americans is disgraceful.

-Christopher Columbus is set to direct the movie based on Marvel Comics' Sub-Mariner.  Since the picture will deal with environmental themes, maybe they can cast Steven Seagal in the role of the underwater super-hero.

-Lindsay Lohan is the new Nicole Kidman: redhaired and ready to remake (er, sorry 'reimagine') a classic (The Love Bug) and adapt a magical television show (I Dream of Jeannie).  I bet both will feature lots of cameos.

-Frank Marshall has finally been allowed to follow-up his dreadful Congo with a remake for Disney called Antarctica, based on a Japanese film.

-On the heels of the Dawn of the Dead remake/reimagination, the ever unoriginal Paramount is doing an update of George Romero's The Crazies.  The studio is also working on a new version of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. 

-Not to leave well enough alone, Fox Searchlight has greenlit a sequel to 28 Days Later entitled 28 Weeks Later.   I wonder which ending they'll be going by.

6/10/04:
-The most shocking sequel news is no longer Golden Age, but rather Chris Stokes' follow-up to his bomb You Got Served.  Not only did was that movie bad, it is ranked worst film (of those voted) on the internet movie database, and I don't think it made that much box office either.  I stole this from ComingSoon.net, but it was too funny to leave them the exclusive:
       "We're messing with the concept right now, trying to get it perfect, 'cause trying to top the first one is a big step," Houston said. "We don't want to do something that's too much like the first one, but not too far from it either. Sequels are tough."
         "There's so many different directions we could go," Omarion added. "I didn't have a father [in the first film], maybe my father could come back."

-Other sequels announced this week include Final Destination 3 which will reteam franchise originators James Wong and Glen Morgan.  This isn't so much bad news, as I love these movies, but maybe they'll do this column justice and show that they should have left it alone after two.  Underworld will see a number 2 beside it as well while Daddy Day-Care becomes Daddy Day Camp for its own follow-up. 

-Adaptations that are bound to suck include The Jetsons, written by Sam Harper (Cheaper By the Dozen; Just Married), Romeo & Juliet told from the parents' POV and starring Eddie Murphy, and a biopic of Rick James starring Dave Chappelle. 

6/04/04:
-Gary Winick (13 Going on 30) is set to direct a live action/CGI adaptation of Charlotte's Web because I guess the 1973 Hanna-Barbera adaptation of E.B. White's book has been a children's classic for too many generations.  Sure there are people who hate the toon (see the comments on IMDB), but I doubt trying to make it into a knock-off of Babe will be any improvement.
-Universal Pictures is finally set to make Doom based on the popular video game.  This has only been in the works since the original game debuted more than 10 years ago.
-Gurinder Chadha (Bend It Like Beckham) follows the mold of indie to Hollywood directors by setting up to helm I Dream of Jeannie starring Lindsay Lohan as the genie wife.
-In the file for movies that never need sequels belongs Shekhar Kapur's idea to bring Cate Blanchett back to screen in a follow-up to his acclaimed Elizabeth.   The working title is Golden Age because to call it Elizabeth II might give the wrong impression.  One day maybe if he does do a biopic of the second Queen Elizabeth they can use my favorite sequel title device and call it Elizabeth, Too. 

5/30/04:
-Justin Timberlake is being discussed to play John Lydon (aka Johnny Rotten) in a movie based on the Sex Pistols/Public Image Ltd. frontman's memoir.  The pop star is also in talks to star in Rent which will be horribly directed by Chris Columbus. 
-Gwyneth Paltrow, who is obviously going insane for naming her daughter Apple, is set to play Marlene Dietrich in a biopic for Dreamworks.   Dietrich is set to rise from the grave and kick the scrawny actress's ass.
-Paramount lives up to its usually uninspired self with a remake of The Longest Yard starring Adam Sandler and a sort of sequel to How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days called How to Tell He's Not the One in 10 Days based on the follow-up novelty book by Michele Alexander and Jeannie Long. 
-New Line is developing an idea so dumb I can't believe it hasn't already been done:  Humbuggin will be a modernized, hip hop set version of "A Christmas Carol". 

5/18/04:
- Warner Brothers is sort of remaking The Graduate with Kevin Costner in the Mrs. Robinson role and Jennifer Aniston the Ben Braddock.  I'm actually confused by the film which is somewhat of a reference to the film as well.  Check out what ComingSoon.net has to say about it.   Whatever it means, its definitely bad news!

-Even with the success and fun of The Pirates of the Caribbean movie and the good news about the sequels including Keith Richards in their cast, Disney did promise no more Disneyland rides would be made into movies.  Now they revoke that promise and plan for Jungle Cruise.   Even if it stars Mick Jagger, I won't be along for the adventure. 

-More annoying sequels announced this week:  Shrek 3, Shrek 4 and The Devil Rejects (House of 1000 Corpses sequel)

5/04/04:
- Despite the fact that Billy Bob Thornton is playing Morris Buttermaker and the film is being written by Bad Santa scribes Glenn Ficarra and John Requa (both also wrote Cats & Dogs and its upcoming sequel), Paramount's remake of The Bad News Bears is just plain bad news!   Other horrible remake announcements include Amityville and The Harder They Come which is being referred to as a "hip-hop remake". 

-  The continuing career of Rob Schneider is continuing to baffle me.  After starring in the Deuce Bigalow sequel, he has another job lined up playing a government super soldier in Fearless.  

- In the ever news-worthy world of film criticism, Elvis Mitchell has quit The New York Times, opening a slot for myself.  Unfortunately for the widely read paper, I would never conform myself to such media.  It is mostly saddening that Mitchell, who I never read much anyway, showed such disdain for his profession by caring more about promotions and money (I'm sure his new job at Columbia Pictures will pay much more) than the craft.

4/28/04:
- I just can't picture Matt Dillon and Marisa Tomei starring in the adaptation of Bukowski's Factotum.  The film will be written and directed by Bent Hamer, helmer of this year's terribly stupid Kitchen Stories. 

- Scarlett Johansson has decided to ruin her given cred by signing on to Mission Impossible 3.  I'm not saying she's selling out.  I'm moreso ridiculing those journalists who gave her the cred in the first place.  (see Blog 11/10/03)

-Hollywood's lack of creativity shines this week with the anouncements of The Poseidon Adventure (written by Mark Protosevich who scripted The Cell) and Swiss Family Robinson (written by Greg Poirier who did Tomcats) remakes.

4/23/04:
- Cedric the Entertainer is remaking Rodney Dangerfield's classic comedy Back to School.  It is going to be seriously lacking without the presence of Oingo Boingo or Kurt Vonnegut let alone Burt Young or William Zabka.

- Quentin Tarantino can't leave good enough alone and plans to make The Vega Brothers which will tie together Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction with the respective movies' characters played by Michael Madsen and John Travolta.  It will undoubtedly be cool and fun and all, but more often than not, sequels and prequels are a waste of creative talent.

- Richard Kelly is releasing a director's cut of his film Donnie Darko claiming the original cut is confusing.  Right!  And Vague!  And open to interpretation!   That kind of mystery led to the cult following and $10 million dvd sales.  People aren't going to want everything cleared up for them.   At best it could be equivalent to the Blade Runner recut.  At worst it could be George Lucas' evil influence reigning havoc.

4/6/04:
-John Woo is producing (and maybe directing) a film based on Nintendo's Metroid video games.  I think I played the original but I never really payed much attention to the "plot" of the games I played because, really, who cares about it unless you're in some role playing or strategy fantasy game?  What the hell happened to your  career John Woo???

-Steve Zaillian (screenwriter of Schindler's List) is remaking All the Kings's Men which may not be sooooo bad considering his talents and the fact that Sean Penn may star.

-Bubba Smith has reported that another Police Academy film is in the works, as a reunion film.  Supposedly Steve Guttenberg will return....if they can drag him away from all those other projects he's working on...

4/03/04:
- Penelope Spheeris (Decline of Western Civilization) is directing a biopic of Janis Joplin starring Pink.   Hopefully this will fall apart like the rest of the Janis movies.

-Although not terrible news, Steven Soderbergh is taking over for Terrence Malick on Che, the Che Guevara bio starring Benicio Del Toro.  I wish they'd just wait but as I said before, at least Malick is working on another film.

-I like the Final Destination movies but I stand by my annoyance with Hollywood sequelitis.  The third film will be in 3-D though.

3/26/04:
-The Fat Albert plot has been announced and its pretty lame.  Sounds like a cross between The Purple Rose of Cairo/The Last Action Hero and Masters of the Universe:
     "In the film, the characters of Bill Cosby's famous cartoon series find themselves in human form when they tumble out of their television show and end up in the real world. As Fat Albert tries to help young Doris win some friends, he falls in love with her sister Lauri—and everyone gets nervous that not only will his famous problemsolving talent fail him, but that he'll want to stay in the real world."

-Spider-Man 2 will be released on Wednesday June 30th, two days early, which will cause my work at the theater to be aversely affected.

-Just predicted in my article in READ Magazine #23, Warner Brothers has a new Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake in the works.

3/11/04:
-Because its a whopping 15 years old, Paramount is remaking the Stephen King adaptation Pet Semetary.  Maybe the Riverdales can cover the theme song for the end credits too. 

3/10/04:
- After conducting a study of movies from the past five years, The Richard and Rhoda Goldman Fund and the National Cancer Institute are lobbying the MPAA to give any film with smoking an R rating.  Picture Pinocchio without all the cigarettes on Pleasure Island. 

-Actor Robert Pastorelli (Dances With Wolves; "Murphy Brown") was found dead on Monday.   

3/9/04:
- More sequels and remakes greenlit: 
Fast and the Furious 3; Assault on Precinct 13.

3/8/04:
- Spalding Gray's body has been found in the East River.   His ability to appear in nonconforming films involving just monologue and stationary camera position will be greatly missed (no sarcasm). 

-Dreamworks has planned another body switching comedy.  This one is called Magick and will involve the switching of a man and a woman.  No father/son?  No mother/daughter?  This is some real new territory. 

- Terrence Malick has temporarily shelved his project about Che Guevara starring Benicio Del Toro as the revolutionary hero.  He is still slated to direct another film about Pocahontas.  As long as he's still making something, I'm happy.